How our words shape our experience, and why diets don’t work

Have you ever noticed how the words you use to describe an experience eventually replace your actual memories of that experience? For example, I ran the New York Marathon last year. When I got back home, people asked me how it was, so I described it to them. After I told the story a few times, it became fine-tuned, and I settled on the most interesting bits to tell people, and the best words to use to describe those bits.  Eventually, this description became so well rehearsed that whenever I think of the New York Marathon, I think of my edited description, rather than the actual experience.

In other words, the words I used to describe the experience became a shorthand for that experience. Rather than digging out loads of memories, my brain is somehow taking a shortcut and playing the edited highlights instead.

The trouble is that these edited highlights are not just a shortened version of events - they are skewed in the particular way that I had chosen to relate the experience to my friends. For example, I left out the boring bits. I downplayed some of the agony. I focussed more on the fun and excitement.

So the words we use to describe our experience not only become a shorthand for that experience, but they can start to define and shape the experience as well. This happens not only to our memories of the past, but to our experience of the present as well.

And that is why the language we use when talking about our experience, behaviour and goals is so important. Take these phrases commonly repeated by people watching their weight:

• “I’ve been good, I deserve a treat”
• “I’m not allowed to eat that”
• “I can’t eat that, I’ve been too naughty this week already"

What do these statements have in common? They’re all childish language, implying the existence of a parental figure who allows and forbids certain foods, rewarding good behaviour with treats and punishing bad behaviour. The funny thing is, in most cases, this parental figure does not actually exist. It’s just a metaphor.

But how does this metaphor operate and what impact does it have upon people who use it? A parent is, of course, responsible for what their child eats. So an adult using parent-child language when talking about their diet is metaphorically relinquishing responsibility for their own eating choices. And this in turn can have serious consequences for their attempts to reach their target body weight.

Metaphors aside, unless you really are a child, then you and you alone are responsible for the choices you make about what you eat. No one else forces you to eat anything. It’s not McDonald’s fault if you eat junk food. And it’s not the fault of an international conspiracy if you consume sugary snacks and drinks full of high fructose corn syrup. You make all those choices yourself.

And it’s not naughty for you to eat calorie dense food, anymore than you’re being good when you eat healthily. Because ultimately you’re in charge, and you experience the consequences of your actions. No one else. Something is only “naughty” if there is a parent figure to tell you off. And something is only a “treat” if there is someone to reward you for “good” behaviour. And there is no such person.

I was discussing this with a friend recently who wants to lose weight. I explained how I choose to eat chocolate on one day a week, because that balances my love for chocolate with my desire to maintain low body fat. She said that was my treat day, and when I explained it was not a treat, she just laughed and said I was “playing with words”. To her it did not matter what I called it.

And of course, I am playing with words, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t effective. In my New York Marathon example, I showed how the words I used to tell my story not only became a shorthand for that experience, but they came to define and shape my recollections of the experience itself.

And this happens with my experiences in the present as well. The language I use to describe what I choose to eat has a profound impact on my diet. By avoiding framing my choices in parent-child metaphors, and instead focusing on how I proactively balance my different priorities to work out what is the right thing for me to eat, I’m shaping my experience in real time, and equipping myself with the self efficacy that I need to stick to my goals.

NLP and Cancer

Today at Sue Knight's NLP Alumni "Inspire Day" at Bix Manor, Henley, I gave a talk on how NLP techniques helped me when I went through cancer diagnosis, chemotherapy, and during my subsequent recovery. I'm posting an extended transcript of my talk (including content I didn't have time to cover during the event) for anyone who is interested. Check it out after the break.

By recognizing excellence in others we can be more true to ourselves

Modeling is at the heart of Neuro-Linguistic Programming. It is essentially the process of recognizing excellence in others, identifying the model of how they achieve this excellence, and then adopting that model so that this excellence becomes available to us.

A friend of mine recently said that he thought NLP would be dangerous for him, because at the moment he's trying to work out who he is, and the idea of modeling other people would undermine this process. As if by modeling other people, he would in some way be less himself.

I've reflected upon this concern for a long time, because it raises some interesting questions. Are we being true to ourselves when we're modeling the behavior of others? At first, this seemed to be a difficult problem to answer. But of course it's not. It's really very simple, provided you approach it from the right perspective:

Self realization is not about discovering who you really are. It is about deciding who you want to be.

NLP helps us to do this by giving us more choices. When we see excellence in someone else, this is in fact an internal realization. We recognize an aspiration within ourselves - what we value as being excellent. In fact, the very best way to discover what our values and desires truly are is to look at others who we aspire to be like. To ask ourselves - what is it about this person, and what they do that represents excellence to me?

Spotting excellence in others is like discovering a seed of potential excellence within ourselves. NLP is simply the fertilizer than can help us to nurture that seed. And that's what self realization is really all about.

Tales of everyday hypnosis

When we think of hypnotism, it usually conjures the image of a stage hypnotist, or a 19th century therapist, mesmerizing his patient, by swinging a watch on a chain. But in reality, hypnotism is far more commonplace, and far less dramatic. Consciously or otherwise, we're all hypnotizing each other, all the time, influencing each other's behavior, for better or worse.

Hypnotism is concerned with suggestion. In all forms of communication, we routinely embed multiple layers of meaning. For example, if I say "I'm fine," whilst frowning, I've simultaneously communicated two seemingly contradictory messages. It's down to you, the person with whom I'm communicating, to reconcile them. Sometimes this will be done consciously - you might notice the frown, and realize that I may not be fine. But on other occasions, you may become aware of the frown without consciously thinking about it. As a result, the frown may affect your behavior without you even realizing it. Or in other words, you may be hypnotized by a simple facial expression.

For example, a friend of mine who had been going through a tough time, was planning to go on a vacation to get away from it all. However, when a well meaning person told him that "he could not take a vacation from himself," this advice gave him pause for thought.

The statement is really just a tautology. To say you can't take a vacation from yourself is really nothing more than saying that you will always be you. So what's the underlying meaning in this statement? Simply this: if you're miserable now, you'll be miserable on your vacation as well. What this advices does is to embed a tenuous premise on top of an unchallengeable statement. Of course, you will always be you, but this does not mean that you can't change your mental state. The premise of the statement deliberately frames the situation into one where change is not possible, and as such, it is disempowering. If the person who said it intended to be well meaning, then you would have to question their underlying, perhaps subconscious, motivations.

What is absolutely key in these situations is to consciously process this type of statement, and to identify the embedded command that is piggybacking on the message, in order to ensure that we don't unwittingly allow ourselves to be programmed in this way. For if we accept other people's framing of our situation, we will begin to limit the scope of what we believe to be possible. As a result, an initial positive idea - like going on a vacation in order to get away from it all - becomes doomed to failure, because we unconsciously accept that we will not be able to change our own frame of mind.

This fact was brought home to me personally, when I was awaiting the results of my cancer staging, which would determine what treatment I required. It proved to be a very difficult case for the histopathologists to diagnose, and as a result, I had to wait a long time for the results. When I called the hospital to ask if there was any news, my nurse apologized that there wasn't, and said "you must be out of your mind with worry."

My nurse was a fantastic emotional support to me. Throughout my treatment, she did an excellent job - she was incredibly well informed, and always seemed to know exactly what to do. By saying that I must be out of my mind with worry, she intended to show empathy with my situation - to show that she understood how serious the situation was. However, what she had actually done was to communicate an embedded command - telling me, consciously or otherwise, to worry. This was a rare occasion where my nurse had got it wrong.

Fortunately, I identified the command, processed it and rejected it. The most effective way of dispelling this kind of hypnotic suggestion, when it arises within conversation, is to challenge it within that same conversation, allowing your unconscious mind to be programmed by your own consciously positive words. I explained to my nurse that I wasn't worried, it was actually reassuring that the histopathologists were taking such care in arriving at a diagnosis.

There were many challenging times ahead for me when the diagnosis finally arrived, but I can honestly say that I didn't go "out of my mind with worry" during those weeks before it was confirmed. However well meaning the advise of friends and family may be, we should always take care to look out for these kinds of hypnotic suggestions, and dispel the negative ones, before they can take hold.